I am one of the most blessed people on this planet. I attend a good school, I have the world's most wonderful parents (yes, Mama, I'm serious), I'm surrounded by the greatest of friends, and I have the ability to express my talents in a loving, wonderful community (here's looking at you, AU Catholic Choir!). However, despite all of that love and support from everyone I know, I've noticed something. No matter how much we may surround ourselves with positive influences and love, we still have moments in our lives when we feel unloved and unworthy.. We all have insecurities and vulnerabilities and no matter what we do, we still occasionally (sometimes more than occasionally) believe we are less important to those around us than we really are.
This weekend had many eye opening encounters: I went to an Orthodox Liturgy for the first time with my amazing friend Ryan which is an experience that really deserves its own post (which will come later, I hope). I got the opportunity to hang out with many great people. But I also saw the bad. Midterms have struck, and I've noticed around me everyone is a lot less secure with themselves than they should be. I would like to think midterms have a direct effect on this feeling of worthlessness, but the fact is that these friends (and the rest of us, too) probably feel this way more than just when the stress is piling up. Why do we feel so worthless when we have such inevitable proof around us that we are worthwhile - to each other, to society, and to God? For my friends and I, it stems from many different things.
The first relationships we form with other people in life are those with our families. The ways we learn to interact with our parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and the rest of our families shape the ways we relate with everyone else we come into contact with. I have been truly blessed in this area. My parents are endlessly supportive and have taught me to challenge everything and think for myself and pick up after my own mistakes. As a result of their tender care and raising me, I am the most outgoing person I know (well, Ryan Hunter might be more outgoing than I am, but not by much!!). Because of this, I have made friends everywhere and am part of several loving communities. I was one of the luckiest ones, but I know friends who have it much more difficult than I do. To the friends struggling with family troubles, I'm so sorry. Your strength to keep it together day after day is an inspiration to me. You might feel betrayed by your family members, overwhelmed by the idea of the problem and feel like you need to have the answers. You might want to blame yourself. To all of my friends I'm referring to here, you guys are doing a phenomenal job of doing the right thing by your families. You are strong, supporting, loving people who have done everything you can. Really. The pain you're feeling is normal. Your wish for answers is normal. You're not a bad person if you don't necessarily want to see the person or people who caused this pain to you just yet. Most of all, know you're loved. You're worthwhile. You matter, and no matter what happens, it's okay to react however you need to. And if you're friends with me and need to talk, I'm always available to talk to a friend in need. Times may be tough now, but they will get better.
Many people I know have faith that is important to them. Most of them have gone through a conversion experience or a deep search to find themselves in one faith or another. However, that journey must begin with a single step. That step is usually some sort of uneasiness and/ or discomfort in one's current religious situation. For many people, myself included, this comes with an overwhelming sense of guilt and fear - especially if you, like me, are involved with your religion on a sort of organizational level. But if you think your religion is wrong for you, you shouldn't be afraid of what anyone else says. If you need to be in a place that is more traditional/ progressive/ old/ new/ whatever, go search for that. Your relationship with God is your most important relationship. If something is driving you away from that relationship, that thing needs to be remedied. It's never easy to make such a monumental change, but I envy my friends who have either changed religion or done the necessary digging to discover where they fit in their own religion. That takes courage of a kind I have not yet achieved. For those in the process of discovering themselves, remember that many in your communities won't understand and that they might be harsh. It may be hard to imagine, but these people care about you. Allow them to voice their opinions and do your best not to be hurt by anything negative they may say. Remember that, if they are secure in their religion, they've gone through the process you are going through now. It's okay to doubt and question, but be respectful of other people's beliefs along the way. And don't be afraid to try new things. You are an image of God and He is happy you are trying to draw closer to Him. Finally, remember you aren't alone.
As we develop, our friends we meet along the way help us grow and change as much as anyone else we meet. Our friends come from all different backgrounds, family situations, and, as we grow, different places. Our friends can be a blessing, a distraction from and help for the harsh realities of our lives. Good friends are truly wonders in our time and a blessing to come by, but one must learn what makes a good friend by having friends who are not the best for us in our lives as well. Many kids grow up trying to fit in and be popular, but the lesson of true friendship comes when the idea of popularity becomes less appealing and when one looks to see which friends are truly caring when it matters most. Even then, friendship isn't always easy. My best friend here at American is Alex Fenaughty. She and I have been friends for three years and we know each other really well. However, we haven't always been perfect. Last April, we got into a fight so painful I was afraid it would be the end of our friendship. We have all been there: lack of communication leads to a buildup of emotions left uncared for, and then suddenly you're screaming at each other. Fortunately for us, we were able to bounce back and be friends again. But all out fights like that are not easy. Even worse than an all out fight is the feeling that you aren't welcome with your friends and/ or your group. As I mentioned before, I love the AU Catholic Choir with everything I have. Their fun spirit combined with their musical talents make the greatest family away from my family I could have asked for. But every once in a while, someone feels like he or she doesn't belong, or that he or she is bringing the group down. It's excruciating to be that person, to love a group so much and to feel that you have wronged it. It pains me to see members of our little family who don't feel like they belong. To any of my choir family who may be reading this, I love you. Each of you. The choir would not be the same without you in it, and I would be devastated if you left. You are my best friends on campus, and I want everyone to feel welcome in that group. For everyone suffering from fake friends, fights with friends, or lack of belonging, remember that every true friendship has its rough patches. Remember to keep your eyes open and not be afraid to move from friends who make you feel like a constant burden. Remember that your friends will always be there if you need them, and that everyone has their off days. Real and great friendship lasts through thick and thin and tries to pick you up when you're down. Real friendship shows you that you are worthwhile.
Listen to this song for the next paragraphs
One of the most valuable relationships we form in our lives is the relationship that forms when two people fall in true, deep, riveting love. I have several friends who have been torn apart by the aftereffects of such a love that didn't work out for them. I can't even imagine the kind of toll that takes on the souls of those affected. What a tremendous pain, and a serious blow to the self esteem as well. If you feel that way about someone and he or she breaks your heart, how can you ever consider yourself good enough for anything again? How do you pick yourself up and carry on? Obviously, it is a slow process. However, in that process, it is expected that you will blame yourself at one point. I'm not saying that it's not okay to go through that, but it's not okay to keep yourself there. You are valuable, that person is valuable, your time together was valuable, and both of you are still images of God. And while that love is gone, know that it was in your life for a reason. You grew, you changed, you got stronger. And when, one day, that feeling comes back even better and more beautiful than before, you'll be more ready for it. There is a purpose to everything, even pain. As my friends have assured me, they would never have given up the good times to spare the pain. That, to me, is beautiful. People suffering from heartbreak, remember that it's not you that is wrong, nor is it the other person. It just wasn't meant to be, and that's okay. It doesn't mean you're any less because you've had your heart broken - in fact, you're MORE. You're stronger, more wise, and more sure of what to expect in the future.
And for those of us who have maybe felt hopeless about finding love, DON'T. Don't give up hope for finding someone. Don't confine yourself to your walls of cynicism, envy, and bitterness. No matter what your past held for you to make you feel this way. I'm speaking to everyone reading this, true, but also to myself. I've had my bad experiences...
sexual assault survivors through photographs, like this one of me from last year.
... but that shouldn't stop me from believing there's love in this world for me. If you continue to hold this bitterness, you'll never find someone and you'll never truly want to. If you, like me, have pain in your past keeping you from finding love, don't let it. When you find it, you might not be able to hold on to it if pain is holding you back. Assault survivors always hear the constant refrain of "it's not your fault." It might get old, but you need to realize it! It's not your fault. Also remember that forgiveness is yours to give or deny, and the past can't be rewritten but you've changed and become stronger because of the horrors of your own past as well. True healing will come when you are confident in yourself again. The most difficult part of this pain is that, in my experience and what I've heard from friends, it doesn't go away. You will never forget it. But I guarantee, you will find someone who can love you through your brokenness, hurt, terror, and skepticism. Because you deserve that love. You are worthwhile.
In conclusion, don't stop believing in yourself. You were created in the image of God and you are a wonderful, gifted person with lots to contribute to our world. You are loved. You are wonderful. You are worthwhile. I love you, yes, you sitting there behind your computer reading the words I have written. Don't change yourself unless YOU want to. Don't listen to this world. Do what makes you happy, and help others to find the same.
“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.” ― John Lennon
one last song for this post. I find it fitting, because this is what I think of all of you.
The other day, I had to look up the population of my hometown for a scholarship application. The goal, I think, was to show the review board where we, the applicants, come from and how that has shaped us. For those of you who don't know, I'm from a small town called Whitmore Lake, Michigan. The classification of this town is "rural" and I can't picture a better way to describe it. The population is only 6,423 - only about 400 more people than the undergraduate population of American University. The population is about 96% white. This is the town where I was born and raised, and the place I developed my sense of self and others. Yet, it's not where I ended up, nor is it where I want to return to live. How did I become such a different person than those who stayed behind? Did I belong there to begin with? Did that small setting make me who I am today?
I moved from that small town to Washington, DC in the fall of 2010. The population of DC is almost 100 times that of Whitmore Lake - 617,996 people. I moved here for school at American University - a small private school that specializes in international relations. I learned early on that I like to travel and am fascinated by different parts of the world. Coming from such a small, self-focused atmosphere, I was afraid I wouldn't fit in and wouldn't understand as much as others who came from different places. My fears were confirmed in my first class, but my small town mind allowed me to understand certain concepts better than other students as well. While I came to this elite school ashamed of where I came from, embarrassed that I wasn't as smart or as rich or as stylish as the other students. Over my first year in DC, I turned my thinking completely around. I learned how to be proud of the small town and homogenous atmosphere that turned me into the caring and interested person I am. This revelation became even more important when, in my spring semester, I decided to study abroad in the fall.
For a detailed description of my study abroad experience, click here to read my blog all about it. Living in Brussels, Belgium (population 1,119,088) became the defining four months that would shape my future goals and ambitions. That experience opened so many doors for me by showing me the way Europe functions and the way the European Union plays a part in the world. Living in a foreign country can make you feel big, important, powerful, or lucky; but it can also make you feel small. Because I had already made an adjustment of my social norms from my childhood, it was easier for me than for the rest of my classmates to adjust to Belgian life. At the end of the semester, I could really see myself living there and being European. I know that whatever job I get now, once I graduate in May, I will be able to work in any environment in any place. Yes, being from the small town of Whitmore Lake made me who I am. Yes, I did belong there to grow up. I learned to be independent, a free thinker, and open-minded to new places and ways of life. Who would have known that a smart girl from a small Midwestern town could make such a good candidate for international work? I certainly didn't, but I'm glad it happened this way. Because that's me. And I would never change that.
Hey there everyone. As you all know, I studied abroad last semester and have been away from this blog because of that. I'm writing today about the new changes to the Catholic mass. After you read this, I would love your comments!
I have several issues with the new translation of the mass. The way we went about making the changes hurt the cause of being the universal church we claim to be. Let's start with the beginning. The priest says "the Lord be with you" as a form of greeting to the congregation. The logical thing to say when someone gives such a greeting is "you too" or, as it were, "and also with you." We once believed as Catholics that the priest was our advocate, and therefore one of us. Human. With the change to "and with your spirit," we place the priest on a different level. He is no longer our advocate, but a different spiritual being we cannot comprehend or relate with on a personal level.
The changes don't stop there. The Penitential Rite places Catholic guilt out in the open. "through my fault, my fault, my most grievous fault"?! We get it. We have found fault with the Lord. We don't need to repeat the fact that we sinned through our own fault a hundred times to feel bad for what we've done. Doing so makes it seem like we are hopeless for our own salvation. Christians supposedly believe in hope and salvation for all people equally through Jesus. This guilty rambling seems to say "salvation for the worthy but not for me, I'm too guilty." but even this isn't the biggest flaw in the new mass.
When I have talked to people about the new mass and mentioned my final argument as to why it's not Catholic, many people have not even noticed this change. When the priest lifts the cup and is telling the story of the Last Supper, he used to say "...this is the cup of my blood, ... It will be shed for you and for ALL so that sins will be forgiven." Now, the words are "...this is the chalice of my blood, ... It will be shed for you and for MANY for the forgiveness of sins." MANY?! What?! Not the Jesus I know. Not the Jesus I learned and taught about in Sunday school. Jesus didn't pick and choose who to die for and who to leave to rot in hell. He died so we wouldn't. I asked a priest about this, who shall remain nameless, and he said "well, this is implying that some people won't get in." Sorry, father. I don't believe in that. And neither should this church. I'm pretty sure Jesus didn't change His mind on us from heaven this last year. "Catholic" means "universal." It's time we started acting like it.
I'm not really leaving, this short post is just to let y'all know that for the next four months I will be posting much more frequently on my study abroad blog about my daily life and experiences while studying abroad in Brussels, Belgium. I will be leaving two weeks from today, and may write in this blog once or twice more before then, but your best bet to hear from me is to go to the other blog. I'm also going to hopefully try to get it featured on The Study Abroad Blog (which, by the way, is a great place for tips for other students eventually going abroad)! Anyway, it's au revoir for now!
The Priest ordination was this weekend. Three dedicated men became humble servants of the Lord as priests in the Diocese of Lansing. For those who have never been to an ordination, allow me to detail what happens.
The first thing that happens is the Bishop calls the name of each of the ordinands, to which he responds "present!" This lets the community gathered hear that the men are physically, emotionally, and spiritually present for the important event. The Bishop then asks the men to swear five promises before the people gathered (who, by the way, fill the entire cathedral. David had five rows reserved for his biological and St. Joe's family). These promises are: to accept the duties of priesthood, to celebrate the Mysteries of Christ, to pray without ceasing, to preach the Word, and to consecrate their lives for the salvation of all. After they promise these to the community, they are called one by one to the Bishop. The ordinand places his hands in the Bishop's, and the Bishop asks him to swear obedience to him and his successors. After this, like all good Catholic celebrations, we sing the Litany of the Saints while the ordinands lie prostrate before the altar.
Next comes the Laying on of the Hands. My worship aide reads: "The Bishop lays his hands on the candidates' heads in silence. In this ancient gesture, he invokes the Holy Spirit and confers priesthood. Then, all the priests lay hands on the candidates." ALL of the priests. By the way, there are somewhere around 100 priests in attendance. That is no exaggeration. The process is long but surprisingly well coordinated, and inexplicably beautiful. It is as if all of these men are passing their wisdom, blessing, and a piece of themselves to those their hands touch. I cry, for the first time.
After all 90-something priests lay their hands, the Bishop says a prayer of Ordination over the men, thanking God for their willingness to serve in the Diocese of Lansing. The newly ordained are vested with the stole and chasuble. They are assisted by their fellow priests, in David's case Fr. Brendan and Fr. Charlie Irvin. I cry again. After this, the Bishop anoints their hands with the sacred Chrism. These hands can now administer sacraments. I smile from the choir loft and look at the Bishop Emeritus, who blessed my forehead with so much Chrism on my Confirmation that it dripped and immediately soaked into my left eye. The families of the newly ordained bring up the gifts (there was no collection that I could see, so this went rather quickly). I cry again watching the priests take the gifts from their parents to be placed on the altar. The newly ordained receive their chalices and patens. The Bishop offers the traditional Kiss of Peace to each newly ordained priest. I cry again. Mass proceeds from this point as usual. At the reception afterwards, I receive my first blessing from Father David Rosenberg.
In short, the ordination mass was a beautiful profession of faith and love. The ceremony can be described as a combination of a marriage and a graduation. The priesthood is more than just a job: it's a lifestyle. It begins that day and doesn't stop.
Fr. David's first mass was this morning. The mass was called his "mass of Thanksgiving" to the church, and from the church to him. Bishop Emeritus Carl Mengling was there, along with 10-15 priests and just as many deacons. It was an incredible mass for many reasons. First, I have never seen someone so on fire with the Holy Spirit and so full of energy because of it. Second, I have also never seen someone have so much fun flinging Holy Water all over the church and the congregation. I got pretty soaked, as did my now holy choir book and the grand piano, the young, old, Catholic, non-Catholic, pews, books, purses, and especially the floor. Hospitality ministers came around with towels to make sure the floor wouldn't be slippery for people walking later for Communion. Finally, watching the Liturgy of the Eucharist today was the most powerful thing I have seen in my entire life. Seeing Fr. David filled with such emotion started me crying again. Moments like that reaffirm the fact that what we believe as Catholics is true and powerful. Mass concluded with Fr. David thanking everyone gathered in the church for helping him through his seminary experience and helping him feel welcome at St. Joe's, which made a lot of us cry (again). After mass was finished, people flocked to meet with Fr. David, of course. There was a semi-organized line sometimes wrapping around the font and sometimes extending into the aisles between the pews. We ate. We drank punch. We celebrated the new life that had started for Fr. David Bruce Rosenberg. I left feeling closer to God's call to me than ever. I pray now that I, like Fr. David, can answer.
Author's note: Around the blog, there's a new name and a new aim! From now on, the name of this blog is Cor Ad Cor Loquitur, which means "heart speaks to heart." It was Fr. David's mantra while he was in the seminary, and it really spoke to me this weekend. As the name suggests, the blog will now focus on matters of the heart - God, love, and life advice. It will also detail the author's upcoming study abroad trip! Thanks for reading, and please leave comments!!
Rejoice, Heavenly powers! Sing choirs of Angels! Exault all creation around God's throne. Jesus Christ, our king is risen! Sound the trumpet of salvation!
Easter. Jesus is risen. We praise God and join together in prayer and thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving. What a word. Giving thanks for what?
Today I give thanks for everything in my life. I thank God that He finds me worthy to hear Him in my life, I thank my family for always supporting me and my friends for everything they do. Today, I thank American University for providing me with an education and resources to help me achieve my dream.
But almost more than all of that, I thank the people who hurt me. Starting with the mean girls in elementary school progressing to all the boys who broke my heart. What you've done has made me a stronger person, someone I never would have been had you not come into my life. I am more sure of myself and I can walk proud of that person. Some of you have even inspired my dream of never letting horrible things like assault or trafficking happen again.
So, while you are enjoying your chocolate bunnies, think about the people in your life you need to thank. And do it!
It's interesting to see how similar we all are. And how fascinated we are with each other. It's caused me quite the inner struggle - how do I really identify?
For anyone who knew me back in Michigan, you'd think this was an obvious answer: I am a Catholic. Tried and true. Not to sound like I'm bragging, but I knew more than most people my age in my class. I went to church 6 days out of 7 and was involved with everything.
Now I ask, what else did I know?
Religion is a fascinating course of study. It's also a fascinating thing of life. Ari never asked me to go to the synagogue with me; I asked him. I was amazed. There's nothing that I found in the English translations of the Hebrew that suggests a denial of anything I believe. Where do I belong?
A song that was played at last Friday night's special "Shirei Shabbat" (Shabbat of Songs) says the answer to my predicament beautifully. It is a song to Adonai (God) and says: "Oh guide my steps, and help me find my way. I need Your shelter now, rock me in your arms and Guide my steps, and help me make this day a song of praise to You. Rock me in your arms and guide my steps"
I pray every day that God will, in fact, guide my steps in the right direction. Maybe I was meant to be both? I feel spiritually fulfilled after both services. What does that mean?! I guess I'll just find out.
